life events part one

Lets go back to August of 2009 I was engaged to a girl and all she wanted was sex, I fell and indulged these desires and I feel that I screwed up and part of me thinks Girls don't want anything to do with me anymore. though I am engaged I feel that My fiancee feel awkward around me and I feel a little awkward around her as well. at times it gets to the point that I have to call a date short or take her home early so I don't give in to my sexual impulses.
Lets go back again to 2004 I had a male friend we will call him Frank, I have a secret relationship with that was mostly sexual I was 14 or so at the time.
I am now 21 and I have had several problems with similar things I cant look at any woman in the same way nor men, I always to do more then look but I have to keep my feelings and impulses in check

Oct. 27 2011 My Friends

I look at my friends in a way that not all people can understand, I look and the girls I am friends with and my thoughts go directly to wondering what it would be like to be wrapped in their arms to feel the love and caring feeling, as well as the lusting feelings that come along with it, unfortunately, when I get those feeling they thrive in me and I want them more and more and more. When I look at my Male Friends I get similar feelings and to me I want the feel of a strong mans arms around me holding me. Some might say I'm Bi, but I dont think so I love Girls in every way shape and or form. I'm engaged to a beautiful girl, who I want more than anything to be with. but even when I'm with her I want more. I want to be held. I am a rather big man  and Im not that masculine, I watch chick flicks and Cry, I cry about alot of things I love and care for my friends and I cherish every one of them and at times I feel I love my male friends more and I want more than anything to be accepted for how I feel though if I ever show it most of them look at me like im a creep.